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The Ten of Swords

I pulled the Tarot card. There it was. The ten of Swords.

Mind you lately everything with me is the Devil or the Tower or the Ten of Swords. As if this is my trifecta–my constant reminder that I have not finished my transitions I thought I was making two years ago but am in the midst of them. I changed jobs. I’d changed so much in my life. Gone back to exercise and dance. Gone back to acting and singing. Gone back to writing more of what I wanted to write. But when I started that journey I didn’t realize that other things would be wanting change too.

My kids became teenagers and that right there is a change that I should have seen coming and totally didn’t see coming but my 17 years of teaching that bumbling age group of know it alls and dreamers and twisted little bunnies meant at least I was some what prepared–I’ve seen some of this before. I have written my own adolescence. I know somewhat where we are going and of course I’m trying to head off the big bad things at the pass.

I didn’t see the ending of my marriage now though. I’ve certainly sabotaged it through neglect and indifference and well exhaustion (as has he), but I always thought we of the broken home childhoods would try to keep it together. Our youngest child’s graduation from high school is 4 years off. I kept looking at that date as a ship on the horizon. Like this would be okay to do, but not till then.

Then is now.

I’m not alone of course. The mountains are peppered with women single with children. The families of two parent households are often filled with steps and fill ins not original line ups. The part of the father in this play tonight will be played by X not Z. That sort of thing. But it wasn’t my thing. At least I didn’t think it was.

Ten of Swords.

Ten whispers behind my back, in front of my face:

I demand too much attention.

I am not satisfied.

I want too much.

My eye wanders.

I think I have a higher calling.

How much time are you allowed to spend being you versus how much time you spend being what they want you to be?

Just what do I expect the world to give me?

Other women don’t have this problem…

Just accept that you’re old now. Your time is done.

When will you get a real job?

They are all there those questions. Those marital daggers. Those ten swords. Stuck in the ground, blood dried on the blade.

But those are my dreams pierced onto the dirt ground by those swords. Those are my dreams blunted by the steel. The steal. The time that got away. Elusive. Slippery. Almost gone. Pierced. If you can pull the sword out of the rock the sword is yours. The sword is mine. All ten of them.

I am single now. A surreal sort of state with swords strewn about. I pulled them out of the ground, out of the stone. Magical strength  I didn’t think I had. I collect them. I hope to clean them up, return them to their sheaths. I cannot ride with them exposed anymore, with them heavy and dragging on the ground.

To carry a sword, one has to stand tall, at the ready. To carry ten? Well…that requires tenfold.

There is a vision before me.

The ten are really one. One giant sword of concern and misgivings. One giant sword of the impressions of other people. One giant sword of regret. One giant sword of all doubts and expectations. They can be pressed together to become one—they can fight one epic battle.

It’s left me standing on this patch of earth alone. Bodies–my own and others strewn.

There’s a light in the distance–possibly the dawn.

 

 

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Reading at Notre Dame de Namur in Belmont, CA Feb. 15th

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Anyone in the Bay Area want to come to a reading? I’ll be there.

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7 Indie Book Recommendations 2016 (+ my projects)

While 2016 may have sucked death and destruction wise (from David Bowie to Leonard Cohen dying to everything in between–and I’m not even touching the election), there was also hope and beauty.

This summer in our quiet little town, boxes upon boxes were delivered of books for our defunct school library. With donations from around the world, we filled our library and gave to seven area libraries and to the local foster care agency for the kids they see. I now keep a box of books in my car (of duplicates and older books) to give out as I see a need.

This year also gave me the opportunity to check out YA titles and other books I was unfamiliar with. I’ve also known some authors who had books come out as well. From tiny books , to books published on a large scale–we had a good deal of great words this year if you knew where to look.  Here’s my quick list of books to check out by independent or small press authors (because the mainstream good ones you can find at Costco–I don’t have to help you with that).

  1. HYMN – POEMS BY V. KALI

    I first saw V. Kali perform her poetry when we were on the same bill at Beyond Baroque in Venice, CA back in 2013? 2012? It was the summer and I was reading poems from my chapbook Alzheimer’s Cul de Sac (my grandfather had just died from Alzheimer’s the year before) and she was reading from a slim volume of pieces that a friend had put together for her. She was phenomenal. Her work blew me away. So much truth in it. And I thought I hope there’s a book by her somewhere. FINALLY THERE IS! Just published by World’s Stage Press (where you can find her reading her work sometimes). GET IT.

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    2.  Another Los Angeles poet par excellence, Xochitl-Julisa Bermejo’s much anticipated first book of poetry Posadas has been released. Posada: Offerings of Witness and Refuge is a feminist collection of poetry straddling borders, and arose when daughter of Mexican immigrants, Xochitl-Julisa Bermejo, traveled from Los Angeles to the Tucson-Sector of the U.S.-Mexico border in August 2011 to volunteer with the humanitarian aid organization, No More Deaths. She hoped to gain a concrete understanding of the “wall,” and the result was a book illustrating a speaker driven to activism by a need to honor her family’s journey.” Posadas!

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  3. Alicia Young is just an absolute treasure to read to read. Hard-hitting and truth-telling. She gives you a window into a world that probably didn’t vote the way you did–and she delivers empathy with her meticulous eye. Schmussy
  4. !.51eyr-zhyil-_sx322_bo1204203200_Totally biased on this one, but have you read Michelle Gonzales’ book yet?! It went into a second printing. Such a great time capsule into the early 90s Bay Area punk rock scene. Can’t recommend this one enough. Spitboy Rule

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5. I started getting interested in Lasara Firefox Allen’s work after reading Sexy Witch. Now I realize Jailbreaking is probably more my speed. “Jailbreaking the Goddess is a revolutionary revisioning of the feminine divine. Where the maiden, mother, crone archetypal system is tied to female biology and physical stages of life, the fivefold model liberates the female experience from the shackles of the reproductive model.” This book has gotten me into some really great conversations.

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6. Bruja by Wendy C. Ortiz–my favorite of anything she’s published so far.  Dream meets reality and back again sort of thing. “Dreamnoir” it’s being called. Worth reading. Bruja!

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7. Pauline Campos’ new journal “Be Your Own Fucking Sunshine” is just some great silly fun. A blank journal with inspirational swears like a drunken sailor messages. Why the fuck not? Fucking Sunshine…

There are many more worthy books of 2016 to read, to be sure, but often the small and indie go undiscovered, and they NEED discovering.

Here are three projects I was involved in this year that could benefit from some patronage as well!

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Mary of the Chance Encounters is an audiobook CD or a download comprised of me, yours truly, reading eight short stories from this manuscript of erotica, disturbing, noirish short stories. Produced by Wretched Productions and Ms. Heidi Moore—-who made its first full-length feature film

51uik1w8nrl-_sx425_DOLLY DEADLY–Which my daughter, son, and I are all in at one point or another. I was location scout on this venture, did some sound effects, AND creative services for a vegan crew. If ever I demonstrated an ability to be a jack of all trades, it’s on this project. Thanks, Heidi!

And last but not least, I rounded out the year being art director (and model) for the Pin-ups for Plumas Community Radio Calendar!

il_570xn-1089417800_31cnTwelve women from my neck of the woods–two of us DJs at the station–(that’s DJ Tina Terrazas on the cover), posed for a fundraising calendar for our radio station KQNY . We would absolutely love your support by purchasing a calendar Here.